by Sherisa Dahlgren, LMFT
Windows Program Consultant & Facilitator
Valencia, California
Deep compassion for self comes in waves. I like to believe I am kind to myself. That I can redirect thoughts that are not of my highest good and easily forgive myself for the mistakes that come with being human.
Then there are moments where I see that self compassion is a radical act. A tidal wave of feeling so deep my relationship with myself is changed forever.
Let me give you an example. For years, my ex-husband humiliated and criticized me for the shape of my body. He used it as a weapon; a way to label me as weak and unattractive. Even though on an academic level I knew his beliefs were unhealthy and untrue, it still hurt. I held anger toward him for this throughout the marriage, and my way of coping was to bury this anger internally versus expressing it. Once I finally left, I was able to express and process much of this anger. I began to see how these false perspectives had started to define me, especially since they mirrored many of my early experiences of childhood. Statements like “it’s ok, you are the pretty one” when I struggled with my learning disorder reinforced to me that my value as a person was tied to my beauty. Excavating and releasing all of these false beliefs and feelings was painful, but also beautiful. These moments of growth are progress toward self-compassion, and hard won. But they are not the wave.
Then there are “aha” moments where everything starts to feel real, visceral. For me, these moments are often accessed through a creative process, where I am able to express myself freely without trying to sound clear or articulate. This creative process is the inspiration for the art workshop worksheet, where you can create your own tidal wave of self compassion. In creative moments I am able to truly feel and then transform my own anger towards myself. Anger for believing the lie. For allowing the opinions and perspectives of others to be weaponized against me through what I was willing to tolerate or believe. In truth, my anger towards others was a mere annoyance in comparison to the anger I held toward myself. The pain of having my divine birthright of unconditional love being wrestled from my hands hurt. But what really stung was realizing that, at some level, I had started handing my birthright away. I participated in the process by believing what was said myself.
That is the moment. The moment where, after the deep pain of accountability, you hold compassion for yourself. You forgive yourself for things that aren’t even your fault. You hold compassion for your own mistakes, and start to offer yourself unconditional love. You remember it’s okay, and even expected, to be human. Tara Brach, psychologist and spiritual author, calls this Radical Acceptance. You start to feel the power of taking accountability for what your own life holds. You know that you are now in charge of your own self-perspective and things shift. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror on a disheveled day, and all you see is beauty. You discover that emotional discomfort only has as much power as you give it, and you can make those choices from a place of loving kindness. That you are more than okay, you are gorgeous, and you are powerful. You are able to hold the paradox of your divine perfection and your utter humanity together from a place of peace.
Then the tidal wave happens. You are swept into a wave of compassion and love so strong that you are delivered to an entirely new life perspective. An upheaval so complete that traveling backwards is no longer possible. You are transformed. Loving yourself is natural, easy. Yes, self compassion comes in waves, and it is a wave worth riding.
by Sherisa Dahlgren, LMFT
Windows Program Consultant & Facilitator
Valencia, California
Our relationship to self is the most foundational partnership we have. May yours be blessed.
Create your own Tidal Wave of Self Compassion
Want to bring healing art programming to your community?
A Window Between Worlds (AWBW) supports hundreds of direct service organizations across the country to incorporate creative expression into their work with trauma survivors. With this blog we uplift the voices of our art workshop facilitators and participants. We invite you to take in this perspective, notice what resonates and explore how it may fit into your life.