by Tony Scruggs
Empathy Coach (NVC)
Windows Facilitator
Los Angeles, California
My Heart Story begins with the optimism of a dream, and the confidence of a butterfly who has no memory of the chrysalis (aka the nightmare).
The dream? American. The confidence? Being an american baby of african-ancestry, born 1 year after the 2nd civil-rights act was passed. And having two college graduate parents, healed enough in their own trauma-pain, where until the intergenerational wounds were activated in me, I was a clean slate.
When I listen to my heart it’s self-empathy. When I listen to yours, it’s extraordinary. Feel me?
If my heart could talk, it would start with the Lincoln quote: “If you trust, you will be disappointed occasionally, but if you mistrust, you will be miserable all the time.” Not because Abe freed anyone and it’s african-american history month (often referred to as Black History Month) — because he didn’t, humans are born free, and are enslaved or have their liberty removed by fellow members of team-humanity — he ended enslavement. And regarding the month? For me everyday is americans of african-ancestry day and if my heart could speak, it would tell you that it needs that quote to balance the overwhelming hurt of collective pain, with the abundance of joy that comes from waking up each day with empathy & love, again and…especially this month.
“Joy…and pain. Like sunshine…and rain.”
If my heart could talk, what would it be proud of this month? 1st it would be proud to be on display 24/7. Happy, excited, nervous, scared. Doesn’t matter. Whatever it feels, is expressed. Never starved or held captive to some societal filter about hiding our humanity with “stiff upper lips” or “sucking it up,” the strategies passed down by human-beings born into trauma, shackled to their survival brain.
Secondly, my heart, encased in an earth-suit of sweet caramel chocolate, would be proud that its montessori methodist beginnings led to sharing empathic energy with others by way of teaching folks how to speak the language of the heart (aka empathic communication), which offers a strategy to heal intergenerational wounds and offers a way to recovery where even the traumatizers’ toxicity can receive a version of empathy.
The color of my heart, the cool question posed by AWBW, in the wonderful Heart Story exercise, is a simple one for me. When I was 8 my anthropologist uncle (rest in power, Uncle Harry), sat me down to talk about human-variation, the term we mis-refer to as “race.” He asked me the color of the sky and grass. He also asked me to look at my palm & wrist, and say what color I saw. After saying “blue & green,” I paused. I could see that my palm wasn’t ivory, and I could see that my wrist wasn’t ebony. So I clumsily blurted out “shades of brown.” He shared that he was thinking “darker & lighter tones of the same color.” But when he heard my 8 year old version of neutrality, he realized dark & light had their own historical hierarchy, and adopted my term immediately. So my heart is a combination of green, blue & brown, team-humanity’s colors.
It’s also blue & gold, because it played college baseball at a cathedral dedicated to an african-american man (UCLA’s Jackie Robinson Stadium). And in channeling my uncle’s wisdom, I was able to come up with the empoweringly hopeful heart-story that Jackie didn’t actually break the “color barrier.” How could he if we’re shades of the same one color, brown? Jackie broke the “love barrier” on April 15th, 1947. How’s that for a new twist during this african-american history month?
How do you listen to your heart & the hearts of others? For me, that question is at the heart (pun intended), of who I BE. In other words, listening to the heart is another way of describing empathy (understanding what people are feeling & needing). When I listen to my heart it’s self-empathy. When I listen to yours, it’s extraordinary. Feel me?
So what does heart-listening look like? Well, if one of my african-american friends said to one of my caucasian-american friends, “It’s so frustrating when you do stuff like that. Where’s the respect?”, the heart only hears the feelings & unmet-needs (frustration & respect). No judgment or diagnosis of the other person as “disrespect” isn’t an action or emotion. It’s a less than wonderful unmet-need expression. Make sense?
Having lived experience as an american of african-ancestry, I’ve had the “unique” opportunity of listening to people’s hearts (empathic listening), through the lens of different sides of group-privilege. On one side I’m a dude who went to fancy schmancy schools, and had a professionally athletic pedigree. On a different side I’m a higher shade of brown, american of african-ancestry, navigating a radical caucasian extremist, toxic-prejudice legacy. So when I see pain caused by blindness & bias, I can acknowledge & believe it. And when I see pain caused by blinder-removal (or fear of blinder-removal), I can breathe through it. Very helpful during a month where celebrating your group’s humanity can be met with blinding fear, instead of loving empathy.
So if our Heart Story is one of empathy (internally, and eventually externally), how about this month, where we take time to celebrate americans of african-ancestry, that for a moment we see the oneness, the heart-story called team-humanity!
Happy americans of african-ancestry month, my fellow spiritual beings sharing this human experience.
by Tony Scruggs
Empathy Coach (NVC)
Windows Facilitator
Los Angeles, California
Dedicated to conscious fitness coach, Osa Sjoberg, empathic warrior, Jodie Sweetin, & all the folks without group-privilege, whose Heart Stories are super important & need to be heard.
Have you ever thought about what your heart would say if it could talk? You are invited to think about all the different ways your heart feels and bring them out onto the paper to tell a story.
Download the Heart Stories Worksheet in English Download the Heart Stories Worksheet in Spanish
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A Window Between Worlds (AWBW) supports hundreds of direct service organizations across the country to incorporate creative expression into their work with trauma survivors. With this blog we uplift the voices of our art workshop facilitators and participants. We invite you to take in this perspective, notice what resonates and explore how it may fit into your life.